Violet: “Eww. You farted.”
Charlie: “No, I peed.”
February 21, 2008
Morrisey in wrong.
So I get this email from Omaha Steaks about this glorious offer for the “gourmet sensation”. It was a bunch of meat, some fish, au gratin potatoes. For $150 dollars off! I sent the link to my husband and asked him if we could get it. He kind of freaked.
Is buying meat through the mail really that wrong?
February 20, 2008
Valley of the dolls.
Is there anything more creepy than celebrities designing their own line of collectible dolls?
- Richard Simmons: http://www.richardsimmonsstore.com/index.php?product=DL15. Seriously, have you ever seen anything more fucking creepy and wrong than ‘Webbie Hannah’? WTF??
- Marie Osmond: http://www.qvc.com/. Enter the search term “pansy blossom”. Click on the doll. This transexual doll is a “gift from Spring.” This doll is clearly a BOY, people. Note the offensive name. That’s what people called her fat little brother Jimmy in grade school.
- Paris Hilton: http://www.simbatoys.de/en/index/steffi_girls_styled_by_paris_hilton.shtml. Vomit. It doesn’t come with panties.
- Annette Funicello: http://www.toniscollectibles.com/products/Annette_Funicello;All_Bears:_A_to_F. I can’t really make fun of her. She has MS. Plus, they have a layaway program.
The answer to that question is YES! There is something more creepy. Celebrities who COLLECT dolls:
- Demi Moore - she has her own full-time doll “agent” and has announced plans to open up a doll museum. WHY??
- Morgan Fairchild – YUCK.
- Anne Rice – dedicates an entire wing of her home to house her doll collection. And people think vampires are creepy.
- Courtney Love – SUPER YUCK.
- Rip Taylor – collects Kachina dolls. Umm… I did this too, in elementary school. In my defense, that was more than 30 years ago, people. I apologize. Profusely.
Oh, oh, onion skin.
I had a meeting with a co-worker the other day, and he’s eating meatloaf from the cafeteria while we’re talking. Suddenly, quite frantically, he starts picking through the meatloaf. He keeps the work conversation going at the same time, and suddenly, he declares in a low menancing voice, “Onion.”
I look quizically at him, and he turns to face me, straight on, and begins to gag. Not a coughing-type of gag. A full on, “I am about to vomit in front of you” gag. It’s mesmerizing. I’m frozen, thinking it was a one time deal, and we can move on and both forget it happened, as he continues to face me. Surely this is an indication that he is done.
And then he gags again. And again. At this point my adrenaline has kicked in and I realize I am too close to the trash can, so I jump up and into the door frame. Not sure what I was thinking, but that earthquake safety training is apparently paying off. I gingerly ask if he’s okay and should I go? (Read this next line in your head with his Russian accent.) “No,” he says, “it’s just that I cannot stand cooked onion.” He gags again.
At this point I start to walk away. “No, no, come back. I think I’m okay now.” He gags again. I start to run… back to my desk, and proceed to send him the picture of cooked onions you see above. Over and over again.
February 19, 2008
Bite this, Charlie.
I know this might be old, but watch in order:
I seriously peed a tiny bit into my Carefree panty liner during the second one.
I told you people I am a fucking genuis.
If you see this lady turning in clockwise you are using your right brain.
If you see it the other way, you are using left brain.
Some people do see both ways, but most people see it only one way.
If you try to see it the other way and if you do see, your IQ is above 160 which is almost a genius. Then see if you can make her go one way and then the other by shifting the brain’s current.
BOTH DIRECTIONS CAN BE SEEN.
This was proved at Yale University, over a 5 year study on the human brain and its functions. Only 14% of the US population can see her move both ways, bitches.
February 18, 2008
I fell in love with a serial killer last night.
Sometimes I don’t watch start watching a new T.V. show I’ve seen advertised, because I can’t afford the committment in my life at that time. I can tell, before having even viewed one episode, that I will be obsessively hooked. Sometimes the decision is made for me, as we only have basic cable, not any of the movie channels like HBO, etc.
Once in awhile, I’ll happen upon re-runs and I don’t have the strength to fight it anymore. I’ll end up as hooked as I knew I’d be, and them have to watch everything I can find. My most recent weakness has become ‘The Closer’. (Don’t hold the fact against her that she’s married to Kevin Bacon, and that her love interest was once married to Terri Hatcher- this show is fucking incredible.)
Well, last night, I fell again. Hard. I knew seeing the advertising for this show when it started out on Showtime that it would be indescribably delicious. However, I didn’t have Showtime, so it didn’t really matter. Seems my friends over at CBS decided to run the show on network primetime for me starting last night. And I am in love.
His name is Dexter. He works for the police department as a blood spatter expert. And he’s a serial killer. He cuts people up. While they are conscious. But really, it’s okay, because he only kills the people that deserve it.
But it’s so much cooler than that. He has no feelings. Good or bad. His sister is the only person that loves him (which he recognizes as a nice thing), and he thinks if he were capable of feeling love, he’d probably love her, too. So he goes through his live, ’pretending’ to be social, as he knows this is what society expects. It is so amazing I can’t even describe it.
Looks like my Sunday nights at 10pm are booked now. I heart Dexter. Delicious.
A tribute to Mickey Rourke.
I have been collecting pictures of Mickey Rourke and his dog from gossip rags for the last two years. It’s going to make the most awesome collage ever! The fact that I just used the word awesome (which I never do), should tell you just how awesome it is going to be. With last week’s addition, I have a dozen, and I think I’m ready.
I just can’t decide if I should make it a desktop shrine, or cover a notebook with it so I can carry it to meetings and share the awesome-ness with my coworkers.
Oh, and the collage has a name. I’m calling it “I’m gonna cut you long, wide and deep, motorhead”. The dog has a name, too. She’s called Loki, named after the son of Odin, who was a Norse god known as the ‘trickster associated with fire and magic’. Awesome!
February 16, 2008
I drink your milkshake.
I drink it up.
Ah, he’s back. Daniel Day-Lewis. I worked at 20th Century Fox when they released Last of the Mohicans. My friend Amy and I used to yell at each other, across the entire floor of an office building, one arm outstretched just as in the movie, “Stay alive no matter what occurs. I will find you.” I fondly look back at those days, when we would be called into the VP’s office and told to stop. More than once.
I believe once again, the D D-L has supplied me with office-time gold. I can’t wait until our next staff meeting, when they ask “does anybody have anything to add?” ‘Cause I’ve got a little something to say. About your milkshake.
