I fucking LOVE Dexter.

 

I wasn’t kidding before.  I heart Dexter.

This is the coolest thing EVER.

http://www.sliceoflifetv.com/

My husband loves Real Housewives of NYC.

 

I HATE this show.  And everytime I leave the room and walk back in, the hubby has this on the t.v.  And it’s always the same episode with some whiny NY bitch who’s too old to be wearing Missoni anyway!

He pretends he’s got it on just to bug me, but I don’t let him fool you.  He actually enjoys it.  And no, I have no idea why.

Guess who’s back? Back again.

So I’ve been busy.  Stay tuned. 

I has an Irish friend.

 

His name is Damien O’Malley.  We first met when he was seated next to me at a job, years ago.  Listening to his thick Irish accent, I held myself back a full two minutes before I asked if he knew Bono.  Or had seen a lephrecaun.  Or used Irish Spring soap.  Or had kissed the Blarney Stone.  Or if “they” were always after his Lucky Charms. 

He answered:

• yes, everyone in Ireland is best friends with Bono
• only when he was pissed (meaning drunk)
• this made him go on a 5 minute diatribe about the fucking americans, so he never actually answered. 
• no, but he had pissed on it
• he said if “they” ever came after them, he’d beat “them” to death with his shillelagh

I miss that gobshite.  Happy St. Patrick’s Day, you fucking drunks.

Beware the ides of March.

Let’s all celebrate Caesar’s death with a big salad!

I am the married kind.

Charlie (looking at our wedding photo):  “Momma, did you want to marry Daddy?”

Me: “Yeah.”

Charlie:  “Did you cry?”

Me: “Yeah.”

Charlie:  “Did you cry because you had to marry him?”

Me: “Yeah.”

There once was a man from Nantucket.

 

So my boss sponsored a team poetry contest.  Everyone had to write an acrostic poem about me.  Winner gets a dollar.  Here are the entries we voted on.  My comments on each are outlined in red underneath.

Kinesthetic, resourceful,
and filled with mischievous cunning, the
redoubtable Karen graces us with her presence,
energetically mysterious as any of the
naiads of classic myth.
-obviously written by the crazy older man in the group, who often uses “fancy” words (like naiads) that my boss has never heard of.  later, he’ll always asks me what it means.   i usually lie and make something up.

Keeps getting hotter
As she ages.
Redheads are fierce and
Extract revenge, so
NEVER cross her.
-confession, this one was mine.  the first line might be a lie, however i can’t emphasize the NEVER part strongly enough.

Kindhearted and giving
And always in the know
Rarely contrary
Expert by nature…
Now where’s that dollar?
-lame and the first line is a total lie.

Keeps the jokes coming
Always has a smile on her face
Russian work boyfriends are her favorite
Endless supply of shoes
Needs coffee in the morning
-boring.  why did they even bother?

Keen remarks guaranteed
Always quickest to the draw
Red we call her, she’s quite the pirate
Excellent taste in shoes
Never blast techno if you want to live!
-good quality.  i hate techno, and techno at work even more.  i actually threatened to rip a co-worker’s face off if i heard his techno through the walls ever again.

Kickin’ the fun activities
Always talking about bodily fluids
Redheaded giver of eccentric gifts
Ever notice her love for Dmitri?
Never, ever, let her write a poem about me…
-stupid. must have been written by one of the douches.

Kangaroo like, putting web team in her pouch
Asparagus
Ready to blow her head off
Entertains with games, accents, and creepy pictures of weird people
Need more like her
- my favorite, except for the fact that i think the first line is implying i’m fat.

Karen is like a dark storm cloud
Always henpecking Dmitri
Rarely smiling in meetings
Eternally sour, and
Nagging Marketing Managers to Death
- must have been written by the other douche.

Kick ‘em in the grill, Pete.

The kids are playing in the house last week, pretending to shoot each other with tiny water guns.  My husband is lying on the couch.  Charlie walks up and shoots him “pew, pew”.  “Daddy, I just shoot you in the neck!” 

Violet happily suggests something even better:  “Shoot him in the nuts!” 

“Violet!  Where’d you learn that word?”  I scold.  “From you, Mommy.” 

I want to shoot the whole day down.

You don’t need to tell me why I don’t like Monday’s.  I have many reasons, but it would be in my best interest not to share them with you at this time.

You doesn’t has to call me Johnson.

 

The term “nickname” originated as an Anglo-Saxon word: ekename. In the Anglo-Saxon tongue, “eke” meant “also” or “added.” The term seemed just a bit awkward to pronounce; so, it became slurred, converting ekename to nekename and finally to become nickname.

I find that I give nicknames only to people I am fond:

• Boob – my husband (which is a nickname of the original nickname which was ‘boobie cat’)
• Booboo – my daughter
• Bubbie – my son (it has several variations, including but not limited to: Mr. Bubbs, Bubbie-dubbie, Bubbers, Bub)
• Bobo – my dog
• Sissy – my other dog
• Skatz – one of my skank friends, and the inspiration for this post
• Gaylord – another one of my skank friends
• Churl – she likes soup!
• Meatty – coworker, and I can’t recall how that name came about
• The Sluz – another coworker
• Marci – but you call can him Ray, or you can call him Jay
• Walla-walla-bing-bang – yet another coworker (and yes, I call them these names to their faces)
• Shannie doodles (often times just ‘doodles’ for short, but not 100% sure if I came up with that one on my own)

I think it’s genetic, as my son calls my daughter ‘Deet-deet’ or ‘deet’, and my daughter used to call my husband ‘pootess’.

My brother, however, was the king of giving kids the most complex, confusing nicknames in the world.  To this day, there is a neighbor kid we grew up with (his real name is Glen), who is still referred to in our circles as ‘Willy’.  Which is actually several derivatives later of the original nickname which was ‘Gum Willickers.”  

As for me, I’ve had several nicknames throughout my life:

• Tootie – from my Dad
• Irma Vestibule – my brother call me this for close to a year.  I’m still not sure want it meant, but it made me cry.
• Boob – yes! my husband and I call each other the same nickname
• Red – how clever
• Manndingo – or just ‘dingo’ for short.  Rent the movie.
• KP – again, how clever!

On second thought, I do give nicknames to people I’m not fond of as well.  Like jackass, cocksucker, fuckface…