People, get it straight. There is only one true condiment. Mustard. Not the fancy farty kind with the seeds and shit, just good old plain yellow mustard.
The following is a list of condiments that make me barf:
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mayonnaise
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sweet pickle relish
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horseradish
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dijon, or any “fancy” mustard
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thousand island dressing (mayo+ketchup+relish = vomit)
I used to hate ketchup just as much, but over the years, I have been able to eat it with fries. NOTHING else. And I mean NOTHING else. Not on hamburgers, hotdogs, meatloaf, eggs (why must you teach our children that, husband?).
Great mustard moments in literature:
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Shakespeare’s Henry IV Part 2:
His wit as thick as Tewesbury mustard. (Meaning gross, because good mustard is NOT thick.)
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Alexenader Dumas reportedly said:
Louis XI kept his own pot of mustard with him most of the time, ostensibly to keep him well prepared when he dropped in on friends unannounced. (Hell yeah, Lou-dog.)
Of course, not all people share my love of the ‘turd. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K8IJpDGRa5o. The best part is the 3-second shower scene at the end.
In closing, I will share with you that it WAS Colonel Mustard in the Conservatory with the candlestick.
Here are some oddities that I’ve found living in New Zealand:
1. Ketchup is called tomato sauce and you usually have to ask for it for your fries (which are called chips) – the condiment that comes with chips? Mayo, just like Pulp Fiction and twice as gross
2. Mustard is like hens teeth here. Almost no one has it. But i did find something labelled American mustard in the store, yep, the yellow stuff. (Note: I actually prefer the fancy, dijon, seedy mustard; the yellow stuff reminds me of white bread and chipped ham – my now sworn enemies)
3. You’ll never get ketchup (tomato sauce) on your burger or mustard, you’ll get mayo – or aioli (which is the sound i made the one time I had mayo)
4. On your burger you WILL get… a beet slice. Yep, the kiwis love beets.
5. Despite the prevalence of mayo and the lack of mustard of any kind. I still like it here. Kat and I made some granola the other day and I had it for breakfast this morning. This has nothing to do with NZ or mustard but just might irk Karen.
Comment by Kevin — March 5, 2008 @ 4:06 am
Kevin, Kevin, Kevin. In response:
1. You have way too much time on your hands.
2. Meat is good.
3. Gross.
4. I love beats from the can. LOVE them.
5. You are correct. That irked me.
Comment by kp — March 6, 2008 @ 4:25 am