Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries!
May 16, 2008
May 15, 2008
Just another in a long line of disappointments to come.
Apparently when you’re 5-1/2, tiny ice cream is bullshit…
I took the kids to McDonald’s last night after dinner for a special treat. I wanted one of those giant drinks, and I know they give away little kids cones. So we get there, they are so excited, and I hand them their tiny cones. Violet was not amused.
“Why is it so tiny?” she asks, clearly disappointed. Translation: What the fuck is this? I’m 5-1/2. This tiny ice cream is clearly designed for babies.
“It’s a yummy ice cream,” I declare. “Oh man, I wanted a real one,” she whines, clearly not happy with me at all. Translation: Yeah, I get it. It’s a fucking tiny ice cream, I’m not stupid. Clearly, when you said ice cream at McDonald’s, I didn’t think you were going to fuck me over with this shit.
“Okay, then I guess I’ll eat it,” I offer. “No!” she yells and starts digging in. Translation: Look, I’ll fucking eat it cause it’s ice cream, but I don’t like it. At all. And I’m going to hate you when I’m 16 because of this.
Clarification.
In case you weren’t clear on Violet’s feelings about her brother, I found this random note sitting in the living room.
May 6, 2008
Just roll along.
If you listen to Fantastic Voyage real close, Coolio provides us better ways to say things.
What you would say #1
It’s probably not good that I’m addicted to heroin.
What Coolio would say #1
Kick it, kick it, yeah… that’s the ticket.
What you would say #2
Son, the vet said that your bunny Mr. Buckles has broken his hip and that he’ll have to be “put down”.
What Coolio would say #2
You can’t have the hop if you don’t have the hip.
What you would say #3
Mr. Persky, we really don’t think we can invest in your penis-shaped lollipops at this time.
What Coolio would say #3
Stay sucka-free and keep the busters off your jock.
What you would say #4
Honey, do these pants make my butt look big?
What Coolio would say #4
It’s time to take your ass on another kind of trip.
What you would say #5
I only take road trips with boys who have Down Syndrome.
What Coolio would say #5
Only down ass brothers can ride with me.
May 1, 2008
I used to babysit this kid!
I just got an email from his Mom with a link to a quick bio video. I started babysitting him (and his sister) when I think he was 4. He was really into Ghostbusters. And spaghettios.
God, I feel old. And proud!
http://www.vimby.com/video/life/us/all/detail/5714
Charlie don’t play that.
Conversation with Charlie (3):
Charlie: Mommy, I want to go downstairs and play.
Me: No, sorry, it’s bed time. Time to go night-night.
Charlie: If you don’t let me go downstairs I’m not gonna be your best friend.
Me: Okay, you’re not going to be my best friend.
Charlie: You are gonna cry.
