Things I miss.

• The smell of my babies when they were newborn.  My husband thought they smelled like french fries.  Mmm.
• My pert and perfect size 34B boobs.  They now resemble the soft serve remnants left behind at the bottom of the self-serve machine.
• Emailing Marci and using obscure 80’s song lyric quotes that only he would get.  Now that he works at a winery, he’s a fucking snob.  (I typed that with my pinky held up in the air.)
• Working with people I actually liked.  Skatz the lact-ard, Gaylord the girl who can only poop at home, and Churl the gal who says ‘I like soup!’ but isn’t retarded.  Really.
• Starsky and Hutch.  The original series.  “David Soul is the most underated actor of our generation, ” my husband once declared.  Sober.
• My Grandma who died when I was eight.  The older I get, the more I miss the fact that she wasn’t around.  I can tell in retrospect she was a cool broad.
• My 80’s clothes.  Anything looks good when you’re a size two.

Spidey has a day job.

Charlie (3-1/2) told me he was going to work tomorrow…

“Where do you work?” 

“Hawaiian CK.”

“Oh?  Hawaiian CK.  What do they make?”

“Excerise car lights.”

“Interesting.  So how long have you worked there?”

“Five times.”

I stopped being five 37 years ago.

Please disregard if the following doesn’t apply to you:

Grow the fuck up, people and stop being childish assholes.

It’s all fun and games until an old man falls down.

This is Skatz, minutes before the “incident”.  There we are, enjoying my birthday dinner on the patio of the restaurant, when suddendly, she leaps across the table (flashing her “privates” over our heads) to the street, where she proceeds to give an old man mouth to mouth…

He was breathing fine, by the way, but apparently broke his arm in a spectacular fall.  Both Gaylord and I had our backs to the street, so I’m assuming it was spectacular since we couldn’t see it.  Churl was facing the street with Skatz, so she saw it too, expect she hates old people and didn’t care.

Gaylord called me out.

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