Take one little bite.  Come on!

Headline:  David Duchovny enters rehab for sex addition.  http://www.people.com/people/article/0,,20222358,00.html?xid=rss-topheadlines

Umm.  WHAT?!  Why do I find this so painful to wrap my head around?  Californication and then some.

Charlie (3-1/2) told me he was going to work tomorrow…

“Where do you work?” 

“Hawaiian CK.”

“Oh?  Hawaiian CK.  What do they make?”

“Excerise car lights.”

“Interesting.  So how long have you worked there?”

“Five times.”

This is Skatz, minutes before the “incident”.  There we are, enjoying my birthday dinner on the patio of the restaurant, when suddendly, she leaps across the table (flashing her “privates” over our heads) to the street, where she proceeds to give an old man mouth to mouth…

He was breathing fine, by the way, but apparently broke his arm in a spectacular fall.  Both Gaylord and I had our backs to the street, so I’m assuming it was spectacular since we couldn’t see it.  Churl was facing the street with Skatz, so she saw it too, expect she hates old people and didn’t care.

NEVER.  I don’t care if you just worked out at the company gym.  You should never remove your clothing at your place of business.

When considering a new blog post, I follow the same methodology every day.  I pick up a pen, put my glasses on my head, and then start to think… FUCK YOU!  (Note the “love” on the finger.)  It works every time.

Had one of those days where you wish you could just punch everyone you see in the face?

• Denise Richards is a whore.
• Do they know it’s Christmas time at all?
• I should practice up on my robot dance… just in case.
• How much trouble would I get in if I told the next person who came up to me at work to “fuck off”?  And how much would it change if I said it in a British accent?
• When should I be expecting menopause and will she stay for tea?
• We don’t need this fascist groove thing.
• I love the transition in ‘Freak on a Leash’ where it goes from the ‘boom na da mmm dum na ema da boom na da mmm dum na ema’ to screaming “GO!” – it’s the musical equivalant of punching someone in the face.  And it feels good.

Scientific evidence has confirmed I will be an insane old woman.  I guess Britney and I DO have something in common.

http://health.yahoo.com/experts/joybauernutrition/26495/pot-bellies-may-lead-to-dementia/

Apparently when you’re 5-1/2, tiny ice cream is bullshit…

I took the kids to McDonald’s last night after dinner for a special treat.  I wanted one of those giant drinks, and I know they give away little kids cones.  So we get there, they are so excited, and I hand them their tiny cones.  Violet was not amused.

“Why is it so tiny?” she asks, clearly disappointed.  Translation: What the fuck is this?  I’m 5-1/2.  This tiny ice cream is clearly designed for babies. 

“It’s a yummy ice cream,” I declare.  “Oh man, I wanted a real one,” she whines, clearly not happy with me at all.  Translation:  Yeah, I get it.  It’s a fucking tiny ice cream, I’m not stupid.  Clearly, when you said ice cream at McDonald’s, I didn’t think you were going to fuck me over with this shit.

“Okay, then I guess I’ll eat it,” I offer.  “No!” she yells and starts digging in.  Translation: Look, I’ll fucking eat it cause it’s ice cream, but I don’t like it.  At all.  And I’m going to hate you when I’m 16 because of this.

If you listen to Fantastic Voyage real close, Coolio provides us better ways to say things.

What you would say #1

It’s probably not good that I’m addicted to heroin.

What Coolio would say #1

Kick it, kick it, yeah… that’s the ticket.

What you would say #2

Son, the vet said that your bunny Mr. Buckles has broken his hip and that he’ll have to be “put down”.

What Coolio would say #2

You can’t have the hop if you don’t have the hip.

What you would say #3

Mr. Persky, we really don’t think we can invest in your penis-shaped lollipops at this time.

What Coolio would say #3

Stay sucka-free and keep the busters off your jock.

What you would say #4

Honey, do these pants make my butt look big?

What Coolio would say #4

It’s time to take your ass on another kind of trip.

What you would say #5

I only take road trips with boys who have Down Syndrome.

What Coolio would say #5