Balloons kill.

http://www.suntimes.com/news/world/915270,CST-NWS-brazil25.article

While reading this story, you will actually experience all of the seven emotions  (check them off as you go):

• Sadness (there ain’t much jungle in the middle of the ocean)
• Anger (balloons kill, people!)
• Surprise (that a priest would be so stupid)
• Fear (when will balloons kill again?)
• Enjoyment (you know God is probably laughing at him right now)
• Disgust (that I actually just thought the comment above)
• Contempt (the whole stunt was to raise money for a center for truck drivers)

 

Things I thought about blogging over the past three weeks (but didn’t).

• Eminem.  Guess who’s fat?  Fat again.  Shady’s fat.  Tell a friend.
• The baby with two faces.  Is there a man with two penises thanking God right now?
• Is Tony Robbins the illegimate son of Andre the Giant?  All answers point to yes.
• Why does Google own the following domains: thesecretofburritos.com and googlepoo.com?
• I have personal evidence to support the claim that beans ARE a magical fruit.
• Gene Simmons and Donald Trump are hair twins.

That’s not a man, baby.

 

Oh wait… yes it is.

Umm… what? http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/news/article962151.ece

Umm… WHAT? http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/news/article989859.ece

Umm… WTF??  http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/news/article975022.ece

How to get your recommended daily allowance of minerals.

According to Violet (5 years old), simply eat one of my homemade waffles.

Me: Violet, how do you make waffles?

Violet: Let me think for a little bit… that’s a good one.  First you put the batter in, and then you put the soil and then you mix it.  And then you put little circles in the waffle thing.  Then you eat the waffles.

I wonder if that’s how Roscoe makes them…

Everybody ride the potty train.

There have been some “iss-ues” with potty training.  According to my Dad, it took almost 5 minutes to get this off his head.

There once was a man from Nantucket.

 

So my boss sponsored a team poetry contest.  Everyone had to write an acrostic poem about me.  Winner gets a dollar.  Here are the entries we voted on.  My comments on each are outlined in red underneath.

Kinesthetic, resourceful,
and filled with mischievous cunning, the
redoubtable Karen graces us with her presence,
energetically mysterious as any of the
naiads of classic myth.
-obviously written by the crazy older man in the group, who often uses “fancy” words (like naiads) that my boss has never heard of.  later, he’ll always asks me what it means.   i usually lie and make something up.

Keeps getting hotter
As she ages.
Redheads are fierce and
Extract revenge, so
NEVER cross her.
-confession, this one was mine.  the first line might be a lie, however i can’t emphasize the NEVER part strongly enough.

Kindhearted and giving
And always in the know
Rarely contrary
Expert by nature…
Now where’s that dollar?
-lame and the first line is a total lie.

Keeps the jokes coming
Always has a smile on her face
Russian work boyfriends are her favorite
Endless supply of shoes
Needs coffee in the morning
-boring.  why did they even bother?

Keen remarks guaranteed
Always quickest to the draw
Red we call her, she’s quite the pirate
Excellent taste in shoes
Never blast techno if you want to live!
-good quality.  i hate techno, and techno at work even more.  i actually threatened to rip a co-worker’s face off if i heard his techno through the walls ever again.

Kickin’ the fun activities
Always talking about bodily fluids
Redheaded giver of eccentric gifts
Ever notice her love for Dmitri?
Never, ever, let her write a poem about me…
-stupid. must have been written by one of the douches.

Kangaroo like, putting web team in her pouch
Asparagus
Ready to blow her head off
Entertains with games, accents, and creepy pictures of weird people
Need more like her
- my favorite, except for the fact that i think the first line is implying i’m fat.

Karen is like a dark storm cloud
Always henpecking Dmitri
Rarely smiling in meetings
Eternally sour, and
Nagging Marketing Managers to Death
- must have been written by the other douche.

If you were a fly on the wall at my house last night.

Here are some conversation snippets you would have overheard:

• “Her teeth are all rotten from eating poo.”
• “I’m going to cut off your leg and serve it to you for dinner.” 
• “What do you think the Queen carries in her purse?”  (His answer was “a dildo.”)
• “What’s the matter?  The lettuce isn’t manly enough for you?”
• “It’s as if I am her Islamic wife and have to walk four paces behind her in silence.”
• “I think Prince Charles has been eating poo, too.”

Por qué, butter?

Butter is fucking nuts, people!

Did you know that depending on where you live, your butter stick will have a different shape?   Say what?!

• The dominant shape east of the Rocky Mountains is the Elgin, or Eastern-pack shape. The sticks are 4.75″long and 1.25″wide, and are usually sold in somewhat cubical boxes stacked 2×2.
• However, if you live west of the Rocky Mountains, the butter is now referred to as the Western-Pack shape.  These butter sticks are 3.125″long and 1.5″wide and are typically sold packed side-by-side in a rectangular container.

But here’s the kicker – both sticks contain the same amount of butter.  Not only that, wait for it…  while the stick’s wrapper is usually marked off as 8 tablespoons, the actual volume of one stick is approximately 9 tablespoons.  WTF?!

Sit down, there’s more. 

• India produces and consumes more butter than any other nation.
• In Quebec, Canada, an old law states that margarine must be a different color from butter. The dairy board claimed margarine was beginning to resemble butter, and would therefore be mistaken for real butter. The government tried to impose mandatory coloring of margarine, which was disgusting (see image above).  Now it’s almost white.

Go get the butter. - Bernardo Bertolucci

How rude.

 

I’d like to know which one of my friends stole this intimate video of me and my husband, and THEN had the nerve to post it on YouTube.

http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=iShb6NBtCI4 

(He’s the short one.)

I has a dream.

 

Violet had a dream last night and she shared it with me this morning:

I dreamed I had a real gun, and I shot a building and there was a crack in it.  And then I had to go talk to Mr. Klein (her school principal).

Hmm…