Only a fool dasn’t know today be talk like a pirate day. Take t’ it smarrrtly, ye bilge rats.  Ye will be tested and made t’ walk t’ plank if ye dasn’t comply.

 Here be some basic pirate lingo t’ get ye starrrted.

·         Ahoy! – “Hello!”

·         Avast! - Stop and give attention. It can be used in a sense of surprise, “Whoa! Get a load of that!” which today makes it more of a “Check it out” or “No way!” or “Get off!”

·         Aye! – “Why yes, I agree most heartily with everything you just said or did.”

·         Aye aye! – “I’ll get right on that sir, as soon as my break is over.”

·         Arrr! – This one is often confused with arrrgh, which is of course the sound you make when you sit on a belaying pin. “Arrr!” can mean, variously, “yes,” “I agree,” “I’m happy,” “I’m enjoying this beer,” “My team is going to win it all,” “I saw that television show, it sucked!” and “That was a clever remark you or I just made.” And those are just a few of the myriad possibilities of Arrr!

Still nay sure?  Bilge!  Use th’ English t’ pirate translatarrr:  http://www.syddware.com/cgi-bin/pirate.pl

 And t’ find out yer pirate name, go here: http://www.froggynet.com/cgi-bin/pirate.cgi, or I’ll throw ye in the briny deep.

Yo ho ho,

Lackey Jacquotte (aka kp) N

http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/f816858620

Seriously, I start crying by the end because I’m laughing so hard.  Why?  So many reasons to choose from… are you not amused?

Why don’t you?

http://www.walmart.com/catalog/product.do?product_id=2513119

So Churl sends me an email about having to buy a bridal shower cake and finds a horrific x-rated photo of one.  I demand that she make it, and suggest she use her husband as a model.  She writes back and says “he already did” and attaches a photo.

I’m thinking ‘god damn it’, if she sent me a photo of her husband’s “area”, I’m actually going to be pissed.  But I open, and can’t believe what I am seeing!!

Churl’s having a chicken.

• The smell of my babies when they were newborn.  My husband thought they smelled like french fries.  Mmm.
• My pert and perfect size 34B boobs.  They now resemble the soft serve remnants left behind at the bottom of the self-serve machine.
• Emailing Marci and using obscure 80’s song lyric quotes that only he would get.  Now that he works at a winery, he’s a fucking snob.  (I typed that with my pinky held up in the air.)
• Working with people I actually liked.  Skatz the lact-ard, Gaylord the girl who can only poop at home, and Churl the gal who says ‘I like soup!’ but isn’t retarded.  Really.
• Starsky and Hutch.  The original series.  “David Soul is the most underated actor of our generation, ” my husband once declared.  Sober.
• My Grandma who died when I was eight.  The older I get, the more I miss the fact that she wasn’t around.  I can tell in retrospect she was a cool broad.
• My 80’s clothes.  Anything looks good when you’re a size two.

Charlie (3-1/2) told me he was going to work tomorrow…

“Where do you work?” 

“Hawaiian CK.”

“Oh?  Hawaiian CK.  What do they make?”

“Excerise car lights.”

“Interesting.  So how long have you worked there?”

“Five times.”

This is Skatz, minutes before the “incident”.  There we are, enjoying my birthday dinner on the patio of the restaurant, when suddendly, she leaps across the table (flashing her “privates” over our heads) to the street, where she proceeds to give an old man mouth to mouth…

He was breathing fine, by the way, but apparently broke his arm in a spectacular fall.  Both Gaylord and I had our backs to the street, so I’m assuming it was spectacular since we couldn’t see it.  Churl was facing the street with Skatz, so she saw it too, expect she hates old people and didn’t care.

When considering a new blog post, I follow the same methodology every day.  I pick up a pen, put my glasses on my head, and then start to think… FUCK YOU!  (Note the “love” on the finger.)  It works every time.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iCQ4QLFl01g

Your Mom called, Lux.  She wants you to pull up your pants.

In case you weren’t clear on Violet’s feelings about her brother, I found this random note sitting in the living room.