Who would I invite?
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Adam Ant (both the 80’s version and the old, fat, bald insane version of today)
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Audrey Hepburn (she would be kind to both versions)
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Jesse James (I’d make him teach me how to shoot after dessert)
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Bono (who after her third martini, would make Audrey declare “He’s a pompous ass, but I’d still do him.”)
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Mandy Patinkin (who would ONLY be allowed to say “My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die.” After two straight hours of this, he would killed by a single shot to the left eye, courtesy of Jesse.)
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Reba Macintyre (why not?)
Music would be provided live by the Violent Femmes (they would not be allowed to talk or eat, and would have to sing an acoustic version of ‘Jesus Walking on the Water’ the entire time).
The menu:
- Pigs in blankets (Reba would actually make these at home and bring them. Audrey would remark how “darling” they were, but not eat any.)
- Wedges of iceberg lettuce, dressed with blue cheese and bacon crumbles (Bono would look at it and declare “you expect me to eat this shite?” He would then push the plate away so hard, it would spill the salad all over the table. Audrey would scold him under her breath “you naughty boy.” He’d ignore her and pick up his scotch and wander over to the window. Then he start yelling the speech from ‘Bullet the Blue Sky’. When he starts saying “… slapping them down… one hundred… two hundred…”, Jesse would pistol whip him and force him to say “Always after me Lucky Charms” with the barrel of the gun in his mouth, until he cried like a girl.)
- Cornish game hens, stuffed with pecans and cornbread, kissed with a cognac infused glaze (Adam (in his modern-day fat insane version) would pick up his hen by the wings and proceed to dance it around while singing “it’s dog eat dog eat dog eat dog eat dog leapfrog the dog and brush me daddio…” at which point the 80’s version of himself would bitch-slap him with his hen while screaming “Ridicule is nothing to be scared of!”)
- Asparagus, sauteed in champagne butter (oddly, no one would speak or look at each other during this course.)
- Chocolate fondue served with assorted fruits (figs, apricots), marshmallows, small brownie squares and cashews (when I announce that fondue is ready, Reba keeps saying over and over again in her thick southern accent, “she said doo!” I look over, expecting Jesse to (hopefully) shut her up, but realize he and Audrey are “doing” it in the small crawl space under the stairs. All seems to be going well, until she starts screaming “LEMON!”)
As the night winds down, Jesse and I head out to the moonlit backyard to shoot some cans off the fence.
Bono still sits like a heap in the corner of the living room, weeping. Audrey, suddenly tired of this, picks up the carving knife and stabs him in the neck as she whispers “… so long, angel of Harlem…”
Mandy has been dead for about two hours…
The Adam’s have taken up residence in the crawl space under the stairs and are “doing” it with each other. Everything seems to be going well until the 80’s version starts screaming “DIRK WEARS WHITE SOX!”
Reba wanders out into the backyard, fully soused on the bottle of moonshine she brought as a hostess gift, singing “Enjoy Yourself” by the Specials. I look over at Jesse, inquiring ‘may I?’ He looks at me and nods. As I pull the trigger, he shouts “You just put the “o” back in country!”
Finally, day breaks. Gordon Gano stumbles out to his car, apparently angry that he hasn’t been paid. He begins writing “Kiss Off” on the back of a used Kit Kat wrapper as he drives off into the rosy-fingered dawn. His bandmates start the long walk home.
