Only a fool dasn’t know today be talk like a pirate day. Take t’ it smarrrtly, ye bilge rats.  Ye will be tested and made t’ walk t’ plank if ye dasn’t comply.

 Here be some basic pirate lingo t’ get ye starrrted.

·         Ahoy! – “Hello!”

·         Avast! - Stop and give attention. It can be used in a sense of surprise, “Whoa! Get a load of that!” which today makes it more of a “Check it out” or “No way!” or “Get off!”

·         Aye! – “Why yes, I agree most heartily with everything you just said or did.”

·         Aye aye! – “I’ll get right on that sir, as soon as my break is over.”

·         Arrr! – This one is often confused with arrrgh, which is of course the sound you make when you sit on a belaying pin. “Arrr!” can mean, variously, “yes,” “I agree,” “I’m happy,” “I’m enjoying this beer,” “My team is going to win it all,” “I saw that television show, it sucked!” and “That was a clever remark you or I just made.” And those are just a few of the myriad possibilities of Arrr!

Still nay sure?  Bilge!  Use th’ English t’ pirate translatarrr:  http://www.syddware.com/cgi-bin/pirate.pl

 And t’ find out yer pirate name, go here: http://www.froggynet.com/cgi-bin/pirate.cgi, or I’ll throw ye in the briny deep.

Yo ho ho,

Lackey Jacquotte (aka kp) N

Why don’t you?

http://www.walmart.com/catalog/product.do?product_id=2513119

When considering a new blog post, I follow the same methodology every day.  I pick up a pen, put my glasses on my head, and then start to think… FUCK YOU!  (Note the “love” on the finger.)  It works every time.

If I could knit, I would only knit food:

http://www.knittingpatterncentral.com/directory/food.php

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iCQ4QLFl01g

Your Mom called, Lux.  She wants you to pull up your pants.

Who would I invite?

• Adam Ant (both the 80’s version and the old, fat, bald insane version of today)
• Audrey Hepburn  (she would be kind to both versions)
• Jesse James (I’d make him teach me how to shoot after dessert)
• Bono (who after her third martini, would make Audrey declare “He’s a pompous ass, but I’d still do him.”)
• Mandy Patinkin (who would ONLY be allowed to say “My name is Inigo Montoya.  You killed my father.  Prepare to die.”  After two straight hours of this, he would killed by a single shot to the left eye, courtesy of Jesse.)
• Reba Macintyre (why not?)

Music would be provided live by the Violent Femmes (they would not be allowed to talk or eat, and would have to sing an acoustic version of ‘Jesus Walking on the Water’ the entire time).

The menu:

• Pigs in blankets (Reba would actually make these at home and bring them.  Audrey would remark how “darling” they were, but not eat any.)
• Wedges of iceberg lettuce, dressed with blue cheese and bacon crumbles (Bono would look at it and declare “you expect me to eat this shite?”  He would then push the plate away so hard, it would spill the salad all over the table.  Audrey would scold him under her breath “you naughty boy.”  He’d ignore her and pick up his scotch and wander over to the window.  Then he start yelling the speech from ‘Bullet the Blue Sky’.  When he starts saying “… slapping them down… one hundred… two hundred…”, Jesse would pistol whip him and force him to say “Always after me Lucky Charms” with the barrel of the gun in his mouth, until he cried like a girl.)
• Cornish game hens, stuffed with pecans and cornbread, kissed with a cognac infused glaze (Adam (in his modern-day fat insane version) would pick up his hen by the wings and proceed to dance it around while singing “it’s dog eat dog eat dog eat dog eat dog leapfrog the dog and brush me daddio…” at which point the 80’s version of himself would bitch-slap him with his hen while screaming “Ridicule is nothing to be scared of!”)
• Asparagus, sauteed in champagne butter (oddly, no one would speak or look at each other during this course.)
• Chocolate fondue served with assorted fruits (figs, apricots), marshmallows, small brownie squares and cashews (when I announce that fondue is ready, Reba keeps saying over and over again in her thick southern accent, “she said doo!”  I look over, expecting Jesse to (hopefully) shut her up, but realize he and Audrey are “doing” it in the small crawl space under the stairs.  All seems to be going well, until she starts screaming “LEMON!”)

As the night winds down, Jesse and I head out to the moonlit backyard to shoot some cans off the fence. 

Bono still sits like a heap in the corner of the living room, weeping.  Audrey, suddenly tired of this, picks up the carving knife and stabs him in the neck as she whispers “… so long, angel of Harlem…”

Mandy has been dead for about two hours…

The Adam’s have taken up residence in the crawl space under the stairs and are “doing” it with each other.  Everything seems to be going well until the 80’s version starts screaming “DIRK WEARS WHITE SOX!”

Reba wanders out into the backyard, fully soused on the bottle of moonshine she brought as a hostess gift, singing “Enjoy Yourself” by the Specials.  I look over at Jesse, inquiring ‘may I?’  He looks at me and nods.  As I pull the trigger, he shouts “You just put the “o” back in country!”

Finally, day breaks.  Gordon Gano stumbles out to his car, apparently angry that he hasn’t been paid.  He begins writing “Kiss Off” on the back of a used Kit Kat wrapper as he drives off into the rosy-fingered dawn.  His bandmates start the long walk home.

I wasn’t kidding before.  I heart Dexter.

This is the coolest thing EVER.

http://www.sliceoflifetv.com/

My unsolicited email called me fat yesterday:

———- Forwarded message ———-
From: Dr. Suzanne
Date: Feb 24, 2008 1:34 PM
Subject: This is the reason why you’re fat

Hi, did you receive the message that I sent you the other day regarding the issues you’re having with your weight?

My name is Suzanne, and I’m a real doctor that would like to show you why you may be “fat” and why you’re unable to lose weight no matter how hard you try.

First off, please always know that it’s not your fault…I would like to show you the disgusting truth right now as to what is keeping you fat!

Press here to see the disgusting truth that is keeping you from losing fat:
http://www.fakeurl/

After you see what the problem is, I will then show you how easy it is to finally lose the fat that you want to lose.

Thank you!

Dr. Suzanne

Unfortunately, I never did get her previous email regarding my weight issues.  I’m not sure what the disgusting truth was (of course I didn’t click on the URL), but I’m pretty sure it IS my fault, and it’s probably a picture of me putting candy in my mouth.  Asshole.

How do you cook chicken?

Violet (5  years old):

First you go hunting for a chicken and then if you find a chicken you shoot it.  And then you open it up.  It’s like you’re opening up something that you are gonna build.  And you are gonna tear something when it’s open.

And then the market person sells it for money.  And then you bring it home and you cook it.  You put it in the microwave and then you eat it.

Charlie (3 years old):

When I get bigger and bigger just like you I will make chicken.  You turn it then you scoop it and Laura (his daycare lady, not me) cooks it.

So I get this email from Omaha Steaks about this glorious offer for the “gourmet sensation”.  It was a bunch of meat, some fish, au gratin potatoes.  For $150 dollars off!  I sent the link to my husband and asked him if we could get it.  He kind of freaked.

Is buying meat through the mail really that wrong?