http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iCQ4QLFl01g

Your Mom called, Lux.  She wants you to pull up your pants.

If you listen to Fantastic Voyage real close, Coolio provides us better ways to say things.

What you would say #1

It’s probably not good that I’m addicted to heroin.

What Coolio would say #1

Kick it, kick it, yeah… that’s the ticket.

What you would say #2

Son, the vet said that your bunny Mr. Buckles has broken his hip and that he’ll have to be “put down”.

What Coolio would say #2

You can’t have the hop if you don’t have the hip.

What you would say #3

Mr. Persky, we really don’t think we can invest in your penis-shaped lollipops at this time.

What Coolio would say #3

Stay sucka-free and keep the busters off your jock.

What you would say #4

Honey, do these pants make my butt look big?

What Coolio would say #4

It’s time to take your ass on another kind of trip.

What you would say #5

I only take road trips with boys who have Down Syndrome.

What Coolio would say #5

A five year old’s interpretation of some Queen classics…

Bohemian Rhapsody:
“Oh quesadilla, quesadilla, quesadilla let me go.”

We Will Rock You:
“You got mud on your face, big disgrace, somebody better put a bag over your face.”

I think Freddie would be proud.

Who would I invite?

• Adam Ant (both the 80’s version and the old, fat, bald insane version of today)
• Audrey Hepburn  (she would be kind to both versions)
• Jesse James (I’d make him teach me how to shoot after dessert)
• Bono (who after her third martini, would make Audrey declare “He’s a pompous ass, but I’d still do him.”)
• Mandy Patinkin (who would ONLY be allowed to say “My name is Inigo Montoya.  You killed my father.  Prepare to die.”  After two straight hours of this, he would killed by a single shot to the left eye, courtesy of Jesse.)
• Reba Macintyre (why not?)

Music would be provided live by the Violent Femmes (they would not be allowed to talk or eat, and would have to sing an acoustic version of ‘Jesus Walking on the Water’ the entire time).

The menu:

• Pigs in blankets (Reba would actually make these at home and bring them.  Audrey would remark how “darling” they were, but not eat any.)
• Wedges of iceberg lettuce, dressed with blue cheese and bacon crumbles (Bono would look at it and declare “you expect me to eat this shite?”  He would then push the plate away so hard, it would spill the salad all over the table.  Audrey would scold him under her breath “you naughty boy.”  He’d ignore her and pick up his scotch and wander over to the window.  Then he start yelling the speech from ‘Bullet the Blue Sky’.  When he starts saying “… slapping them down… one hundred… two hundred…”, Jesse would pistol whip him and force him to say “Always after me Lucky Charms” with the barrel of the gun in his mouth, until he cried like a girl.)
• Cornish game hens, stuffed with pecans and cornbread, kissed with a cognac infused glaze (Adam (in his modern-day fat insane version) would pick up his hen by the wings and proceed to dance it around while singing “it’s dog eat dog eat dog eat dog eat dog leapfrog the dog and brush me daddio…” at which point the 80’s version of himself would bitch-slap him with his hen while screaming “Ridicule is nothing to be scared of!”)
• Asparagus, sauteed in champagne butter (oddly, no one would speak or look at each other during this course.)
• Chocolate fondue served with assorted fruits (figs, apricots), marshmallows, small brownie squares and cashews (when I announce that fondue is ready, Reba keeps saying over and over again in her thick southern accent, “she said doo!”  I look over, expecting Jesse to (hopefully) shut her up, but realize he and Audrey are “doing” it in the small crawl space under the stairs.  All seems to be going well, until she starts screaming “LEMON!”)

As the night winds down, Jesse and I head out to the moonlit backyard to shoot some cans off the fence. 

Bono still sits like a heap in the corner of the living room, weeping.  Audrey, suddenly tired of this, picks up the carving knife and stabs him in the neck as she whispers “… so long, angel of Harlem…”

Mandy has been dead for about two hours…

The Adam’s have taken up residence in the crawl space under the stairs and are “doing” it with each other.  Everything seems to be going well until the 80’s version starts screaming “DIRK WEARS WHITE SOX!”

Reba wanders out into the backyard, fully soused on the bottle of moonshine she brought as a hostess gift, singing “Enjoy Yourself” by the Specials.  I look over at Jesse, inquiring ‘may I?’  He looks at me and nods.  As I pull the trigger, he shouts “You just put the “o” back in country!”

Finally, day breaks.  Gordon Gano stumbles out to his car, apparently angry that he hasn’t been paid.  He begins writing “Kiss Off” on the back of a used Kit Kat wrapper as he drives off into the rosy-fingered dawn.  His bandmates start the long walk home.

Apparently, I can’t chew gum and listen to music at the same time…

I was listening to ‘Johnny Law’ on my Ipod, chomping to the beat, when I chomped into my tongue.  Hard.  (See bloody tissue above.)

Fucking Johnny Law!  Why ARE you always picking on me?

I know you know them, Nelson.  Put your answers in the comments section, people.

Name the song and the band:

1. Martin, maybe one day you’ll find true love.
2. They want to touch me- I never let them.
3. He looked like 65 when he died.
4. Oh God can’t you keep it down?
5. Your love is so edible to me.
6. I’m sick of the Hoover.
7. I got the feeling I was not alone!
8. I’m black and blue, baby I love you.
9. They do it over there, but they don’t do it here.
10. They beat him up until the teardrops start.
11. Soul Boy, let’s hit the town.
12. At night I get drunk and fly around.
13. Touch the hurt and don’t let go.
14. She drove a Plymouth Satellite.
15. I’ll say you let me be your friend.
16. The only real difference is in the people you meet.
17. I said wot d’ya want.
18. I thought I saw Lauren Bacall.
19. Disappointed and I don’t know why.
20. Hit me slowly, hit me quick.

Songs I have misheard throughout my life.

Benny and the Jets (Elton John) – real lyric: She’s got electric boots, a mohair suit.

Thought he was saying “She’s got electric boobs, her Ma has, too.”  Wondered what you’d do with electric boobs.  Guess it must be hereditary.

I Want to be Sedated (The Ramones) – real lyric: I want to be sedated.

Thought he was saying “I want a piece of it.”  Seriously, who doesn’t want a piece?

Party at Ground Zero (Fishbone) – real lyric: A ‘B’ movie starring you

Thought he was saying “Every movie star and you.”  No, it didn’t seem odd at the time that every movie star would be at the ground zero party with me…

Loser (Beck) - real lyric: Soy un perdedor.

Thought he was saying “Oh well, so what can be done?”  Knew it probably wasn’t right, but convinced several friends of this through the art of my persuasion.  Which is going to be the name of the band I have some day.

Games without Frontiers (Peter Gabriel) – real lyric: Jeux sans frontieres.

Thought he was saying “She’s so funky, yeah!”  I still think she’s funky.  Yeah!

  This is a former co-worker I call Marci.  This was his hair in the 80s 90s. (see comments section)

10 GREAT SONGS 

Possum Kingdom by The Toadies

Best bits: Any song that asks you if you want to die is gold. Any song that demands to know it, over and over again is platinum.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F5Cf5OusjrQ

The reality: The way the band looked in my head versus reality almost made me hate this song. But then I listened to it again and I can’t.

Backstreet’s Back (Alright!) by Backstreet Boys

Best bits: When they command us to throw our hands up in the air, and then ask us if they are sexual.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hb-q1XPNr7M

The reality: They really are monsters, aren’t they?

Only by NIN

Best bits: The fact that someone else realizes there is no you. There IS only me.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V0u0AG_floQ

The reality: It doesn’t really matter anymore… but how did Trent Reznor implant a chip inside my brain to read my thoughts?

Get Off by Prince

Best bits: Not only does he not serve ribs, he heard my dress rip when I sat down!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zgUtMfAtG8U

The reality: I have no idea who the hell Jason Morgan is.

SexyBack by Justin Timberlake

Best bits: When we listen to this in the car I tell the kids he’s actually saying “I’m bringing sassy pants.” Take it to the bridge.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WpmyqV19BhM

The reality: If I really whipped him, he’d crumble in two and cry like the little b!tch he is.

Strobe Light by The B52s

Best bits: I scream out loud whenever I hear someone say “pineapple” now.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_5V8RjQLiIw

The reality: They are fat and old now. So am I.

Fish by King

Best bits: I had the same haircut and suit in the 80s. Not kidding.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=12W1OOM2KWk

The reality: I was in love with every English gay man in the 80’s. And my kids cry when I sing this in the car at the top of my lungs.

Bone Machine by The Pixies

Best bits: I was actually banned at an old job from singing “your bone’s got a little machine” at the end of meetings when people asked if there was anything else before we wrapped.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8hIjQYjCOdo

The reality: I haven’t been banned yet at this job, so it could make a come back.

Mary, Mary by Run DMC

Best bits: Who can resist any song that samples the Monkees?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-Ut6J9jSnh4

The reality: She really is buggin’. Why?

Otherside by Red Hot Chili Peppers

Best bits: The lyrics make my heart bleed a little bit. When you pair that with the video, I find it hard to breathe.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IumNe7guYXs

The reality: Anthony Kiedis bought a painting of me that my then boyfriend was showing at a gallery in L.A. And no, I wasn’t nude. I wonder if he still has it.