i saw red… thoughts from a (fake) red head

February 29, 2008

Sometimes it feels like life’s just kicking you in the ass.

Filed under: barf,hate,random — kp @ 6:14 am

blue1.jpg 

In the past month, I’ve happened upon three accidents, moments after they’ve happened.  Didn’t see or hear the crashes, but I arrived well before any official help was on the scene.  On on all three occasions, I’m pretty sure the people I’ve driven by are dead.

Two were motorcycle accidents.  Both guys, who looked like they were laying on the ground, sleeping in their helmets.  I know the second one died at the scene because I found the news report the next day.  Today I saw someone on the side of the freeway who had been thrown out of their truck on impact. 

A lot of people had already stopped to help in each instance.  All I could think of was ‘at least the kids aren’t in the car with me, because how would I explain this?’  Every single time, it made me feel sad and angry and lost.  I can’t get certain thoughts out of my head.  The mother who gets the “phone call”.  Having to tell your children that Daddy is never coming home.  It makes me feel like vomiting even now.

I’m tired of watching you, death.  Go away.

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Fucking ‘bots.

Filed under: bots,hate,random — kp @ 12:00 am

westworld.jpg

So I have this thing.  I have a deathly fear of robots that look indistinguishable from real humans.  If it’s metal, wires, and you can clearly tell it’s a robot, it’s cool.  If you can’t, it’s not cool.  At all.  It’s because my parents took us to see Westworld when we were little.  I STILL have nightmares about it.  I STILL can’t watch the movie when it’s on T.V.  I actually STILL can’t watch anything with Yul Brynner, as I am convinced he IS actually a robot.

My husband finds this amusing.  In fact, while pregnant with my son, he suggested that it might actually be a ‘bot inside…  I cried.

And now, this:  http://www.scifi.com/scifiwire/index.php?id=41831.  Fuck you and your potential remake, Billy Ray.

February 28, 2008

Looks like I picked the wrong week to stop sniffing glue.

Filed under: ha!,random — kp @ 11:35 pm

homer.jpg 

“Having kids is a way of self-medicating…”

http://abcnews.go.com/Entertainment/OnCall/story?id=4349895&page=1

My ass.  Anyone (including me) who has more than one kid is insane.  Because at that momemt you thought ‘I can handle this, let’s have another one’ you could (and should have been) legally certified.  Insane.

February 27, 2008

80’s song quiz for Nelson.

Filed under: ha!,love,muzac,Uncategorized — kp @ 11:40 pm

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I know you know them, Nelson.  Put your answers in the comments section, people.

Name the song and the band:

  1. Martin, maybe one day you’ll find true love.
  2. They want to touch me- I never let them.
  3. He looked like 65 when he died.
  4. Oh God can’t you keep it down?
  5. Your love is so edible to me.
  6. I’m sick of the Hoover.
  7. I got the feeling I was not alone!
  8. I’m black and blue, baby I love you.
  9. They do it over there, but they don’t do it here.
  10. They beat him up until the teardrops start.
  11. Soul Boy, let’s hit the town.
  12. At night I get drunk and fly around.
  13. Touch the hurt and don’t let go.
  14. She drove a Plymouth Satellite.
  15. I’ll say you let me be your friend.
  16. The only real difference is in the people you meet.
  17. I said wot d’ya want.
  18. I thought I saw Lauren Bacall.
  19. Disappointed and I don’t know why.
  20. Hit me slowly, hit me quick.

Por qué, butter?

Filed under: hmm...,random — kp @ 11:39 pm

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Butter is fucking nuts, people!

Did you know that depending on where you live, your butter stick will have a different shape?   Say what?!

  • The dominant shape east of the Rocky Mountains is the Elgin, or Eastern-pack shape. The sticks are 4.75″long and 1.25″wide, and are usually sold in somewhat cubical boxes stacked 2×2.
  • However, if you live west of the Rocky Mountains, the butter is now referred to as the Western-Pack shape.  These butter sticks are 3.125″long and 1.5″wide and are typically sold packed side-by-side in a rectangular container.

But here’s the kicker – both sticks contain the same amount of butter.  Not only that, wait for it…  while the stick’s wrapper is usually marked off as 8 tablespoons, the actual volume of one stick is approximately 9 tablespoons.  WTF?!

Sit down, there’s more. 

  • India produces and consumes more butter than any other nation.
  • In Quebec, Canada, an old law states that margarine must be a different color from butter. The dairy board claimed margarine was beginning to resemble butter, and would therefore be mistaken for real butter. The government tried to impose mandatory coloring of margarine, which was disgusting (see image above).  Now it’s almost white.

Go get the butter. – Bernardo Bertolucci

How rude.

Filed under: ha!,hmm...,random — kp @ 12:48 am

mexican-doll.jpg 

I’d like to know which one of my friends stole this intimate video of me and my husband, and THEN had the nerve to post it on YouTube.

http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=iShb6NBtCI4 

(He’s the short one.)

February 25, 2008

I has a dream.

Filed under: hmm...,random — kp @ 11:44 pm

gunther.jpg 

Violet had a dream last night and she shared it with me this morning:

I dreamed I had a real gun, and I shot a building and there was a crack in it.  And then I had to go talk to Mr. Klein (her school principal).

Hmm…

Texting, texting, 1 2 3.

Filed under: ha!,random — kp @ 11:40 pm

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Various text messages sent to me the past month:

  • The usual.
  • Why do you want to mail order meat?
  • I was just totally ripping on Rick as I got on the plane – and he was sitting in row 1!  Ooops.
  • Blowing is gay.

Various text messages sent by me in the past month:

  • Testicles.
  • I like meat.
  • Homemade?
  • I’m @ the bar.

Does spam makes you fat?

Filed under: bite me,meat,random — kp @ 11:36 pm

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My unsolicited email called me fat yesterday:

———- Forwarded message ———-
From: Dr. Suzanne
Date: Feb 24, 2008 1:34 PM
Subject: This is the reason why you’re fat

Hi, did you receive the message that I sent you the other day regarding the issues you’re having with your weight?

My name is Suzanne, and I’m a real doctor that would like to show you why you may be “fat” and why you’re unable to lose weight no matter how hard you try.

First off, please always know that it’s not your fault…I would like to show you the disgusting truth right now as to what is keeping you fat!

Press here to see the disgusting truth that is keeping you from losing fat:
http://www.fakeurl/

After you see what the problem is, I will then show you how easy it is to finally lose the fat that you want to lose.

Thank you!

Dr. Suzanne

Unfortunately, I never did get her previous email regarding my weight issues.  I’m not sure what the disgusting truth was (of course I didn’t click on the URL), but I’m pretty sure it IS my fault, and it’s probably a picture of me putting candy in my mouth.  Asshole.

February 24, 2008

Today’s recipe. Chicken.

Filed under: meat,random — kp @ 1:15 am

chicken.jpg 

How do you cook chicken?

Violet (5  years old):

First you go hunting for a chicken and then if you find a chicken you shoot it.  And then you open it up.  It’s like you’re opening up something that you are gonna build.  And you are gonna tear something when it’s open.

And then the market person sells it for money.  And then you bring it home and you cook it.  You put it in the microwave and then you eat it.

Charlie (3 years old):

When I get bigger and bigger just like you I will make chicken.  You turn it then you scoop it and Laura (his daycare lady, not me) cooks it.

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