i saw red… thoughts from a (fake) red head

August 27, 2008

Churl lays an egg.

Filed under: barf,eggs,ha!,love,random — kp @ 6:03 am











So Churl sends me an email about having to buy a bridal shower cake and finds a horrific x-rated photo of one.  I demand that she make it, and suggest she use her husband as a model.  She writes back and says “he already did” and attaches a photo.

I’m thinking ‘god damn it’, if she sent me a photo of her husband’s “area”, I’m actually going to be pissed.  But I open, and can’t believe what I am seeing!!

Churl’s having a chicken.


March 15, 2008

Beware the ides of March.

Filed under: eggs,ha!,random — kp @ 10:45 pm


Let’s all celebrate Caesar’s death with a big salad!

March 4, 2008

King of condiments.

Filed under: barf,eggs,hate,random — kp @ 12:46 pm


People, get it straight.  There is only one true condiment.  Mustard.  Not the fancy farty kind with the seeds and shit, just good old plain yellow mustard.

The following is a list of condiments that make me barf:

  • mayonnaise
  • sweet pickle relish
  • horseradish
  • dijon, or any “fancy” mustard
  • thousand island dressing (mayo+ketchup+relish = vomit)

I used to hate ketchup just as much, but over the years, I have been able to eat it with fries.  NOTHING else.  And I mean NOTHING else.  Not on hamburgers, hotdogs, meatloaf, eggs (why must you teach our children that, husband?). 

Great mustard moments in literature:

  • Shakespeare’s Henry IV Part 2:

His wit as thick as Tewesbury mustard.  (Meaning gross, because good mustard is NOT thick.)

  • Alexenader Dumas reportedly said:

Louis XI kept his own pot of mustard with him most of the time, ostensibly to keep him well prepared when he dropped in on friends unannounced.  (Hell yeah, Lou-dog.)

Of course, not all people share my love of the ‘turd.  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K8IJpDGRa5o.  The best part is the 3-second shower scene at the end. 

In closing, I will share with you that it WAS Colonel Mustard in the Conservatory with the candlestick.

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